So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

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So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by Careyious on March 22nd 2012, 9:32 am

This is a link to my short-story that I wrote for an English assignment.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TPnuOoYyhmd1xA8yC98TahVv3YKvcbnuhChLqYN7gRw/edit

Comments? Also, ignore the bullshit I wrote about the statement of Intent. It's so that my teacher doesn't think that I'm like pro-drugs or some shit.
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by RainbowPantsu on March 22nd 2012, 9:58 am

Interesting concept. Building up Mars' character pretty good so far. No grammar or spelling mistakes at first glance.
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by ThisOneGuy on June 8th 2012, 6:32 am

ive got one i wanna post too
I just not sure how to do it, its like a pdf on my desktop (file hosting?)
U know the one i mean carey
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by Careyious on June 8th 2012, 6:47 am

Just save it as a google document, and just link it.
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by Megidolaon on June 8th 2012, 11:56 am

"The her head sagged and she seemed to normalise."

I think you meant Then instead of The.

Gud story so far mang.
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by Nett[le]s on June 8th 2012, 12:19 pm

RainbowPantsu wrote:Interesting concept. Building up Mars' character pretty good so far. No grammar or spelling mistakes at first glance.
>Year 2051, a new element is found in the centre of Australia, directly under Ayres Rock. It’s properties include high electrical conductivity, the ability to bond with organic materials, and to act as a medium to interact the electromagnetic field around humans (which is more commonly known as an Aura). It is named Auralium due to this property.
>It’s properties include high electrical conductivity
>It's
>'

ok

but tis an interesting story.
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by 1Pantsu on June 8th 2012, 4:54 pm

Smugjarl wrote:
RainbowPantsu wrote:Interesting concept. Building up Mars' character pretty good so far. No grammar or spelling mistakes at first glance.
>Year 2051, a new element is found in the centre of Australia, directly under Ayres Rock. It’s properties include high electrical conductivity, the ability to bond with organic materials, and to act as a medium to interact the electromagnetic field around humans (which is more commonly known as an Aura). It is named Auralium due to this property.
>It’s properties include high electrical conductivity
>It's
>'

ok

but tis an interesting story.
there are no rules in art
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by Rizen on June 8th 2012, 5:46 pm

Very similar to Brain Jack by Brian Falkner, if you've ever heard of it.

Why though, if these were digital drugs/viruses that came in Gb, would people have to buy it repeatedly? Or pick it up in person? How would it stop working/wear off or delete itself?

There's a lot of seemingly illogical events and it's a bit corny when explaining the tech parts, but otherwise pretty interesting.
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by ozzym8 on June 8th 2012, 6:56 pm

noicem8 noice
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by Rizen on June 8th 2012, 7:00 pm

Protip, make an entity which develops by the random formation of data and gradually increases in size and overall intelligence, and then begins to control people through their neuro-headsets or whatever.

It's not similar to anything ever.
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by Careyious on June 8th 2012, 8:34 pm

Rizen wrote:Very similar to Brain Jack by Brian Falkner, if you've ever heard of it.

Why though, if these were digital drugs/viruses that came in Gb, would people have to buy it repeatedly? Or pick it up in person? How would it stop working/wear off or delete itself?

There's a lot of seemingly illogical events and it's a bit corny when explaining the tech parts, but otherwise pretty interesting.

Brain Jack? Sounds interesting, I'll look it up.

Also, the idea behind the digital dugs/viruses needing to be repurchased is because they're designed to store themselves in a specific part of the neurals, then they burn through the system and finally burns back into section of the memory banks it stored itself in. The reason they need to pick it up in person is because of the government trying (key word there trying) to stop the trade so just emailing it wouldn't work since most of the traffic of the web is filtered. There is a bit of "Assume this is made and understood by people smarter than the author" and it's not the hardest science fiction.Hardest Science-Fiction?.
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

Post by Rizen on June 8th 2012, 9:45 pm

Not sure if you posted this for feedback/revising, but here I go.

With soft sf-medium sf(I'm assuming that's what you're going for.), definitely keep every explanation vague, otherwise those who have general knowledge of what you're talking about will see it as being fallacious nonsense. Probably shouldn't jump directly to "controlling bodily functions/naturally moderated processes", and instead start it off as being able to receive signals from neurons and/or control a computer or device. Then gradually advance the technology.

I still don't see how the drugs would dissipate or cease being effective after use, since technically this neural interface would only implement the code of the virus into/within your neurons, not effecting the virus itself, only your brain. It would be more plausible that the virus is simply coded to corrupt itself after use, I guess.

I also don't see it as very possible that this neural device would be so widely distributed and available to so many people, since bonding that element with your neurons (great that you kept this vague, since it's nearly an impossibility) would be extremely dangerous and require a substantial amount of coding in that device in order for your body not to reject the new tissue/auralium. Should probably limit it to very high upper-class for a hundred years/decades or so until extremely cheap models are able to be produced and the surgeries are simplified.

You should probably just make the "liquid" state drives extremely advanced solid states (which seem to be the future as of now, anyways), since this, again, is an implausibility you could avoid by simply sacrificing a bit of shock & awe of this technical age (liquid drives not being much of which).

Throw in some new dialect, as well. Everything seems the same, despite the 200 year difference. Even in this age, if we were to speak like we did 200 years ago, it would seem archaic and out-of-our-era.

Why must this virus be injected, as well? Seems very weird that one would inject data directly into their head (I'm hoping their ENTIRE head isn't composed of auralium) when they could just plug a vastly-minimized version of a solid state drive into their head through some port at a safe spot, like under the ear.

Also, edit the drug-deal scene to be a tiny bit more accurate, he should probably do an exchange for the $40 with the repress. Don't think it'd be very smart to give an addict the repress before getting your money.

General sentence structure and wording could use some refining, but I'm assuming you plan to do that once it's entirely finished.

Do include something about the sale of these drugs online, though. However risky, it would add to the effect of realism and show how desperate some people are to get their drugs, by being very unsafe and downloading them.

Then again, you could just choose to disregard all of this and work on it yourself, rather than peer-revising. I could see why it wouldn't really feel like your own work if you took the suggestions of everyone. I'm just pointing out what a reader with knowledge similar to mine would think while reading it. Though, major authors are widely known to peer-revise, so I don't see a problem in it.
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Re: So this is technically not art, but I thought I should share it.

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